I have been struggling with this space. I find myself wanting to share less about my kids as they are getting older and many of what I could share could later be too personal. That and I hate to say–but my kids are pretty boring. I mean they are awesome and cute, but I can’t just write over and over about my struggles with my daughter who is so stubborn that she reminds me of me. I am trying to cherish the moments with my family and kids. I know it’s fleeting (Noah will be 7 in less than 2 weeks–OMG). But I don’t need to write about them. That isn’t cathartic for me anymore. It isn’t where I am in my own personal journey. I started blogging during my advanced struggles with infertility and our adoption journey. This space has always been for me.
I lost track of that somewhere along the way. My writing suffered for it, as have I. I need to reclaim this space and use it for me. I need to own it and not worry about anything else.
To be able to reclaim this space I have to define what this space is to me. It’s mine and it’s about me and my own struggles as a woman, wife, and mother. It’s about embracing (and facing) my own imperfection.
So, as this space is a place for me to grow, explore and log, that is what I am going to do. I have never been shy about my struggles with weight and health. I have a defeatist attitude about losing weight and being healthy. I do a lot of self-sabotage. I will admit I am afraid of failing (probably why I haven’t put the effort into my dissertation that I need to). I have tried to lose weight and get healthy. And I have had moments of success–I say moments because it doesn’t last long. I get complacent and eat ice cream and then a cookie, and then pizza, and then more ice cream. It’s a vicious cycle and the more crap I eat the more crap I crave.
Part of my battle is learning to manage my PCOS. I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. I have to stop making excuses about being too busy or too tired and make sure that I am eating what my body needs. Having PCOS affects everything and I need to know that just eating less and moving more isn’t going to be a long term solution for me and it won’t help alleviate the symptoms of PCOS and that is something that needs to happen.
I think part of my struggle is that I don’t want to have to explain myself to everyone. Why aren’t you having wine? Why aren’t you having this or that? I don’t want it to be an issue. I don’t want to have to listen to what worked for someone else (who isn’t a 40ish woman with PCOS). I just don’t. My journey is different than yours and theirs. It is my own journey that I have to take in my own way. It has to be okay for me to have a separate meal. It has to be okay for me to say no I don’t eat that. I need to be okay with that. Sometimes I am not.
I want to run a 5k. I am putting it out there. I have said it before only half meaning it. But I do really mean it. I have to prove to myself that I can do it. I have to set the goal, do the training and do it. It isn’t an option and I am going to do it this year on Father’s Day.
This space is going to become me documenting my journey to health. My acceptance of my imperfection. Which happens a lot–like getting mad at Zoë this morning for taking 15 minutes to get socks and shoes one.
Today is a new day and I am not going to get mad at myself for eating some swedish fish and 1/2 a cookie yesterday. Today is a new day and I’m going to make the right choice. This morning I did some yoga and a core workout. It was a small step (about 20 minutes total) but it is more than I have done in months.
It’s a journey and I am so happy to have this space to document the victories, bumps, and struggles.