Reclaimed

by The Dalai Mama on March 19, 2013

in Randomness

I have been struggling with this space.  I find myself wanting to share less about my kids as they are getting older and many of what I could share could later be too personal.  That and I hate to say–but my kids are pretty boring.  I mean they are awesome and cute, but I can’t just write over  and over about my struggles with my daughter who is so stubborn that she reminds me of me.   I am trying to cherish the moments with my family and kids.  I know it’s fleeting (Noah will be 7 in less than 2 weeks–OMG).  But I don’t need to write about them.  That isn’t cathartic for me anymore.  It isn’t where I am in my own personal journey.  I started blogging during my advanced struggles with infertility and our adoption journey.  This space has always been for me.

I lost track of that somewhere along the way.  My writing suffered for it, as have I.  I need to reclaim this space and use it for me.  I need to own it and not worry about anything else.

To be able to reclaim this space I have to define what this space is to me.   It’s mine and it’s about me and my own struggles as a woman, wife, and mother.  It’s about embracing (and facing) my own imperfection.

So, as this space is a place for me to grow, explore and log, that is what I am going to do.  I have never been shy about my struggles with weight and health.  I have a defeatist attitude about losing weight and being healthy.  I do a lot of self-sabotage.  I will admit I am afraid of failing (probably why I haven’t put the effort into my dissertation that I need to).   I have tried to lose weight and get healthy.  And I have had moments of success–I say moments because it doesn’t last long.  I get complacent and eat ice cream and then a cookie, and then pizza, and then more ice cream.  It’s a vicious cycle and the more crap I eat the more crap I crave.

Part of my battle is learning to manage my PCOS.  I know what I need to do, I just need to do it.  I have to stop making excuses about being too busy or too tired and make sure that I am eating what my body needs.  Having PCOS affects everything and I need to know that just eating less and moving more isn’t going to be a long term solution for me and it won’t help alleviate the symptoms of PCOS and that is something that needs to happen.

I think part of my struggle is that I don’t want to have to explain myself to everyone.  Why aren’t you having wine?  Why aren’t you having this or that?  I don’t want it to be an issue.  I don’t want to have to listen to what worked for someone else (who isn’t a 40ish woman with PCOS).  I just don’t.  My journey is different than yours and theirs.  It is my own journey that I have to take in my own way.  It has to be okay for me to have a separate meal.  It has to be okay for me to say no I don’t eat that.  I need to be okay with that.  Sometimes I am not.

I want to run a 5k.  I am putting it out there.  I have said it before only half meaning it.  But I do really mean it.  I have to prove to myself that I can do it.  I have to set the goal, do the training and do it.  It isn’t an option and I am going to do it this year on Father’s Day.

This space is going to become me documenting my journey to health.  My acceptance of my imperfection.  Which happens a lot–like getting mad at Zoë this morning for taking 15 minutes to get socks and shoes one.

Today is a new day and I am not going to get mad at myself for eating some swedish fish and 1/2 a cookie yesterday.  Today is a new day and I’m going to make the right choice.  This morning I did some yoga and a core workout.  It was a small step (about 20 minutes total) but it is more than I have done in months.

It’s a journey and I am so happy to have this space to document the victories, bumps, and struggles.

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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Cat March 19, 2013 at 12:56 pm

Yay! Your goal to run a 5k is huge! Not in a “you can’t do it” way, but in a “this could be the thing that gets you going!” way. :) I completely understand your point about the circles and cycles. I fall into that easily as well and it’s so hard to break out of it. Do this for you. You are worth it!
Cat´s last blog post ..Clean Eating – Week 1 – This Healthy Stuff Kinda Sucks a Little Bit

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Sarah March 19, 2013 at 6:45 pm

I know exactly what you are saying with the blogging stuff! I write less and less as my kids get older for the exact same reasons! I am inspired by your refocusing on yourself. I need to do the same thing. I still read but hardly comment (sorry)—but I AM still here! I am so excited for your 5k! I speak from experience when I say completing one is 80% mental. It took me a VERY long time to realize that! Finishing my first was amazing. Even though I walked most of it. Just being there, and having people cheer as I crossed the finish line felt amazing! And I still love that feeling :)
Sarah´s last blog post ..February

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